As all of the readers of this blog know, I typically don’t allow *quite* this long go between posts. There’s often “inconsistency”, as anyone who’s read it, knows. But this long, is long. I’m sorry for my silence through the vast majority of this year. As we all recognize, 2020 has been nothing short of a train wreck. However, I’m un/fortunate to have only had a short time of unemployment. So, I’ve remained, largely, the same busy and distracted working parent you (all 3-4 of you) know and like.
I would be remiss for not sharing my annual Year in Review- style post. This, however, has been an unprecedented year in my life, and for everyone on earth. And that’s really saying something. As an American, I’ve very much enjoyed a lengthy period of relative calm and safety. That’s not to say, for instance, America hasn’t been involved in some shit, because we most certainly have. Though, very little of that warmonger nonsense has hit our shores, and I genuinely believe that it’s made us all quite comfortable and complacent. Throughout much of the world, that safety is simply not there, and it’s truly unfortunate. When I witness these awful things, it breaks my heart, but honestly, it doesn’t affect my daily life. COVID-19 has changed all of our lives. There’s been absolutely no avoiding it, from anyone on this rock, despite many believing it’s a hoax. Which it’s not. Just so we’re clear.
For me, 2020 began with all the hope and joy I could have wanted. Spending a lovely vacation with my favorite people, pieces of which sucked, but overall an awe inspiring week of memories. How quickly it changed upon our return is nothing short of incredible. Looking back, it’s extremely likely that we, in fact, had COVID before we even knew it existed. After spending a week on a cruise with 4,000 other people, my partner and I got incredibly sick. I suddenly had bronchitis, that morphed into pneumonia, and 5 weeks of antibiotics that didn’t do a thing. This was a week after we found out my little one has Celiac Disease, which is why SHE had been sick every couple weeks for 2 years. Initially we thought it was a nut allergy.
Yet, as the days, weeks, and months of fear, uncertainty, and quarantine, in addition to riots and vandalism in our community, it became clear that our lives were not going to go back to what they had been… at least any time soon. I’d found myself, around mid-summer, no longer saying to my kiddo “when things go back to normal” or “normal” at all. Normal does not exist anymore. We can never go back to the way things were. And if we do, maybe there really is no hope for us. The way things were, simply is no longer acceptable. We have to challenge ourselves and those around us, to do better. To BE better. We have to really examine how we treat others, both animals and humans. We have to hold people accountable for doing things that are against moral and ethical boundaries. We have to take the experiences from 2020, learn from them, and apply them to better our planet for all its inhabitants. Great and small. There are a multitude of lessons to take from this past year, and ways we can make the world more equitable and fair, as well as more kind and compassionate.
What 2020 has allowed for many of us is the chance to reconnect or connect for the first time. I was blessed with the time to share with my household. I got to grow closer to the kids, my partner, and myself. I reconnected with a part of me that I had lost many years ago, under decades of nonsense and layers of disastrous pseudo-connections. I lost something so deep, and I’m still unburying these pieces, to reclaim my authentic self again. I was able to truly know my child, to spend every single day and night with her. Yes, it’s been more exhausting than ever before, because I get basically no time to myself, day or night. However, I’m here to shape her world, teach her our values, learn about the person she’s becoming, and tackle hard problems together as a team. Not only that, but I was also fortunate enough to get to learn with and from my partner’s kids too. One of them was here more than the other, but I got to help with distance learning high school, to be here as a constant, to really establish my role in this home and in this family, and not just in my partner’s eyes. It’s become very clear, an expectation really, that I’m here for the long haul, that I am a certain energy, and I am a grounding force within all the lives in this family. And my step-kid got to experience this all year, in real time, and we grew together. My partner and I had the opportunity to deepen our connection with one another too. He was here for some time while I’ve been working remotely, and we got to see and experience the flow of the days. It’s been a beautiful thing to be part of, this family coalescing. Creating cohesion.
That’s not to say it’s been all roses. Because it’s been anything but. We’ve had devastating losses in our lives too, as far too many people have. My heart breaks for these souls, the souls in mourning, and those yet to come. There have been more days than I can count where the sadness was entirely too much to take in. Days where I was so grief stricken, heartbroken, and empty, I didn’t know if I could go on like this another minute. But I did, and all of you reading this, did too. That’s not to say, you aren’t worse for wear, because I know the amount of tragedy in the last year is incomprehensible for anyone not directly in it. And by that, I’m humbled. As an empath, I’ve struggled this year with the emotional exhaustion and emptiness. I’ve been empty much of the last 12 months. Running on fumes, if that, as many of those in my sphere and outside it have been too. I see you. I’m with you in this.
Don’t even get me started on the political stage here and abroad. Shitshow doesn’t even begin to describe it. And it’s showing little sign of getting better, at least early into 2021. I’m constantly surprised by what’s going on, and find myself shocked by how surprised I often am. It keeps getting weirder. I hope some semblance of sanity returns to politics, because our system in the US is quite fragile and cannot withstand such pressure long. And it’s been fractured for my entire lifetime, so I’m not sure what will happen. Business as usual may be over. And I hope, for everyone’s sake, that it is… but that we don’t go any further to the right. We need to come back toward the center for the system to work for the majority of people. Otherwise, 1/2 the American population will end up disenfranchised and that sucks.
In closing I’ll say this, I’m sooooooo glad 2020 is OVER and I’m still hopeful 2021 will be better. It won’t be without challenges, and there’s no chance it’s “going to be my year” for most people, but there are bright spots, if we look for them. There have been beautiful things to come from the trash can fire that has been 2020, and more to come this new year. I feel it. So please, take heart and know there’s a light out there. Know that you are important and valuable. Someone out there loves you. And until further notice, wear your masks.
Thanks for reading.