Internal Monologue

I’m not sure about anyone else, but I can say that my internal monologue is a tough critic. I’d even say that I’m my own worst enemy and my internal dialogue to myself is proof of that. I noticed the other day though, during a pretty significant moment of loss and despair, that it can also be my biggest cheerleader and greatest advocate for my abilities.

It’s strange that I have this back and forth inside myself: one moment I’m berating and lambasting myself and in the next, I’m rooting myself on. It’s like mental whiplash sometimes. But I will say that I’m glad to have someone in my corner when the chips are down and I need someone the most, but I also know that same voice in my head will be the first one to kick me when I’m climbing up the ladder.

Lately, I have to say it’s been a real challenge to be “happy”. Things have been incredibly difficult. Pets needing expensive and immediate care, more unsettling career changes, and just the general sense of self doubt and disconnectedness from the universe. I sort of feel like I’m the universe’s whipping boy at the moment. As my grandmother always said, “When it rains, it pours”. Truer words have never been spoken to my knowledge. It is just one thing after another and the stress and tension have been mounting,

The few joys I have in life, hobbies and things I find enjoyable are slowly fading away with nothing to replace them. I’m feeling very lost in the world right now, not knowing which way is up or where the hell I’m even going. I feel like I’m just spinning in circles.

It’s hard to write a blog about happiness when it’s something so elusive. I know it’s not possible to be happy all the time, because we’re humans and life happens sometimes. But at the same time, I feel like I’m doing my few readers that check out this page (hi guys!) a disservice by not “walking the walk” at this moment. But sadly, I am but a human too.

I know for the most part this blog has been about my search for simple joys and writing about my happiness quest. I think, however, I’ve shied away from writing when “life happens” and things get real for me. I’m not one to complain about my problems and I try not to vent to those close to me… but I’ve been thinking that this page is less than authentic if I don’t also include the struggles. So, here’s my first real attempt at writing here when I’m not happy.

When I say that I’m not happy, as those that have been following remember, there are more than one type of happiness. There’s immediate gratification happy and long term happy. I am not happy on the surface at this time in life. It’s rife with struggles and conflict from just about every angle. However, I’m cultivating long term happiness in ways like being in school working on my degree so that I feel accomplished in a career that I know I’ll find fulfilling. So when I say I’m not happy, I mean that things on a daily basis are incredibly stressful and I need them to start changing.

And as you that have read previous blogs remember, I need to start that change within myself. This brings me back to my internal dialogue. Changing how I talk to myself in the confines of my own head is probably one of the most difficult things ever, but also one of the most important. It goes back to “Right Thought”. I need to start with myself and think right and speak right to my own consciousness.

Wish me luck!

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~ by wendemachete on June 10, 2013.

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