Going back to what I know


Hello my faithful readers. Thank you all for continuing to support me since I’ve been touch and go. I appreciate all of your feedback and comments.

About today’s blog: I have been living through a pretty definitive shift in my life lately, much of which is out of my control. However, what IS in my control, is how I deal with these things. My usual method has to been to get angry, upset and withdrawn. These have been my “go-to” feelings when things are not the way I want them to be. However, since the inception of this blog and numerous vents to people close to my heart, it has finally settled into my brainhole that this simply does not work for me. I’m not sure that it ever did, but, damn I’m stubborn. Unfortunately, I’ve met my stubborn match, who is frighteningly similar to myself many years ago. More on that another time… Anyway, the point is that I am stubborn and I am in a relationship with another stubborn person. I am no longer able to get angry, upset and withdrawn if I want to continue to have a relationship with this person (which, obviously, I do).

Instead, I need to find the happiness that I’ve researched and written about at such length, but I also have to go back to what i know about myself, my spirit and my true self. These things are all intertwined within this person I call myself, and I am also significantly interwoven into the fabric of my life… my school, my work, my family and friends… we are all interconnected and I have been forgetting this, along with myself, in this recent time of internal and external struggle.

I also find that when I am struggling and getting angry, upset and withdrawn, instead of getting what I need, which is comfort, love, affection and just plain old attention, I get less and less of it. I’m guessing it’s because I’m being an ass and people don’t like that. I’ve also noticed that my negativity just compounds. Nobody likes that either, not even myself. I want to feel happy and joyous. I want to feel wanted, needed, needed and included, just like everyone else. The only difference is that I am getting swallowed up in the pit of despair, instead of finding the happiness that I know is not external, but an internal force. It’s just buried beneath the loneliness that I’ve been feeling lately with being isolated from those I love.

So, I have decided that I’m turning over a new leaf by going back to the old leaf that works. Spring is here (at least in my neck of the woods) and I need to be on the path to growth, rebirth, and rejuvenation. I’m going to start making it a point to focus on all the work that I put into researching and implementing changes over the last couple of years with this blog and rekindle my love for writing, and the pursuit of happiness. Great things are on the horizon friends, and I’m not going to wait for them to land in my lap. I’m going to run for it and seek out my bliss and do what I can to improve my coping skills and declutter my mind and heart. These things I know and these are the things that will guide me out of the pit and into the garden (figuratively and literally. More on that another time).

Again, dear readers, please note that I value each of you and any feedback you may have for me. I wish each of you the best on your respective journeys and hopefully you will also find your joys. Please feel free to share any stories or struggles, words of encouragement. I appreciate it all.

Take care and I’ll see you soon!


~ by wendemachete on March 30, 2014.

2 Responses to “Going back to what I know”

  1. We are all our self fulfilling prophecies. It gets better not because you “want” it to get better. But, because you “know” it will get better. And that motivates you to keep pushing through the pain, exhaustion, and frustration over that mountain until you see the beauty of what is on the other side. Friends are hear for you… And, here for you… 🙂

    • Thanks Dave. It mean a lot to me that I have people on my side rooting for me, even though I almost never get to see them… (stupid schedules). But I really appreciate your help, and everyone else’s help, through the potholes. Hopefully I will find more time to devote to socializing and such. Soon. 🙂

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